I never had to confront my inner people pleaser until I was in my 40's, post divorce, and online dating for the first time. Whoa. I got to see my wound in action big time during that experience. I share about it deeply in today's podcast episode - you can listen here. And you can find the transcript here.
in essence, my old, habitual behaviors surfaced quickly in the midst of meeting strangers and wanting them to like me. I caught myself being a good listener, asking the right questions, and conducting the dates like a skilled detective, trying hard figure out what the other person liked so I could become that.
It sounds gross. It even sounds manipulative - and it is - but most of all, the need to make other people like and approve of us is rooted in fear. It's almost always tied to an unsafe childhood where we struggled to feel secure and worthy of protection. Instead of figuring out who we are and showing up as our full authentic selves, we learned to contort and adjust ourselves in order to avoid trouble and make sure we had a place inside the family system.
Keeping the peace at the cost of ourselves isn't very peaceful at all, is it? It creates a war inside of us instead. And self love is the only way out.
I hope you'll tune into today's show and find some comfort and some inspiration there if you resonate with any of these classic codependent traits.
It's an honor to share this path of healing with you! Till next time -