I’ve had my nose to the grindstone and my butt on the meditation cushion with renewed commitment because there are a number of uplevelings taking place in my life right now (which I’ll be sharing more about shortly - stay tuned!).
In the midst of all this, self doubt has been running high. Thankfully I’ve been around the mulberry bush enough times to recognize what’s happening and not fall prey to the sabotage.
Maybe you’ve noticed this phenomenon in your own life too? Anytime we’re going up a few thousand feet to a new cruising altitude, the Ego goes on high alert. The Ego is where our fear lives. It’s also where our self sabotage tactics come from. So whenever we’re changing, moving toward the cliff’s edge, considering leaving our old ways and trying some new ones, our Ego takes notice and tends to act up.
Self doubt is just another way we ask ourselves: Are you sure?
Are you sure you can handle what you’re stepping into?
Are you sure you’re ready?
Are you sure they’ll receive you well?
Are you sure you won’t f*ck it up?
And the answer to all of these questions is NO! There is no way to be sure. If we live our lives according to what is guaranteed we’re going to live very small lives. We just can’t afford to make certainty the prerequisite when it comes to advancing along the path of our destiny. We have to lean on that intuitive voice of the Soul instead and its nudges and pulls toward what it wants.
A client and I were talking about this recently - the relationship between Fear and Desire. They are often two sides of the very same coin. What we really, really want for ourselves, on a Soul level, is something we’re also usually legitimately afraid of, on an Ego level. This means we are required to stay ultra conscious as we integrate changes in our lives, to be sure we’re working with the Soul side of the coin and not allowing fear-based thinking to run the show unchecked.
The interesting thing that happened was this:
A tricky issue came up over email with a family member who acted out toward me prompting me to reiterate my boundary in a clear, concise way. He didn't like this and responded sarcastically, writing: “You got it, healer.”
This simple sentence summed up, perfectly, the age old, shitty narrative of my shadow. It was like my Ego somehow triggered the entire exchange, projecting my innermost hypothetical fears and insecurities onto the big screen, where they could be seen more clearly in the cold light of day.
The words under his words said: You think you’re so great don’t you? Love and light and everything nice while you ostracize the people you’re supposed to be closest to? You wanna call yourself a ‘healer’ but you couldn’t hold your own family together!? What a fraud!!
Then I started arguing against my own Ego - which is always a losing battle!
“Wait - I don’t call myself a ‘healer’ and using boundaries isn’t the same thing as ostracizing —”
“Blah, blah, blah,” roared the Ego, cutting me off. “Now you're just being defensive.”
But then, in the midst of this completely insane argument, between me and me, I suddenly pivoted.
I understood that this whole, hurtful email volley was absolutely necessary. For weeks my prayer, my daily affirmation, has been: “Ready me.” I’ve understood that my Soul wants to climb higher now and the rest of me needs to be on board and in alignment. Our doubts control us when we aren’t willing to confront them. Having mine brought up so bluntly, through an unpleasant episode with a family member, was part of the readying process. It was part of the broader shake out and leveling up that’s taking place in my life right now.
When I re-contextualized it all this way, I felt immediate peace. I didn’t feel the need to write back with a long, clever, biting reply. It didn’t feel unbearable to consider that the version of me he holds is incorrect. There was nothing to prove because I was able to understand that a test is not a punishment. It’s not bait I need to chomp onto. I passed because I saw beyond the illusion of our disharmony to what what actually going on. And this means I can continue moving to the next level.
Moving to the next level feels so much better than engaging in a sword fight where both people have to keep losing something in order to “win”.
Ironically, the person in my family who sought to shame me by referring to me as a ‘healer’ instigated a healing for me. Because he held up the mirror for me to see something I needed to see. We are doing this for each other all the time, in obvious and subtle ways. We are constantly activating each other. How we work with ourselves and each other when the trigger goes off is what counts.
What might you reconsider and re-contextualize in your own life, for the sake of your own empowerment right now? What kinds of doubts might you investigate further? It’s a powerful time, as the full moon rises this evening and autumn settles in, to take stock of things. Optimizing, forgiving and releasing wherever your Soul feels called to.