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Working Bravely on the Wrong Thing

“People who give too much are people who fear not being given to.”


I heard Esther Perel say this once. It hit me like an arrow striking a bullseye. I had to hit pause and really let it sink in.


People who give too much are people who fear not being given to.


The way I’d heard it, over the years and throughout all of my research around codependency, was: people who give too much give too much because they feel worthless. I was focused on healing worthlessness. Not looking at what my fears of receiving were connected to.


This new perspective was radical for me. It’s amazing, the great leaps forward we can take, when we name our fears more specifically and precisely.


The issue is not that we don’t know. It’s that we don’t know accurately and clearly.


Sometimes we’re working, lion heartedly and bravely, on the wrong freaking thing. If nothing else, this is the most valuable role a coach can play in another person’s life. Are you really, honestly working at the level of the true root?


When my daughter was young she had a love/hate fascination with revolving doors. Anytime we came upon one in the city, she wanted to ride it like an amusement park feature. She didn’t want me to go in the same compartment with her. She wanted to do it alone. But then she would get scared to jump out. So the door would make many rounds until the circumstance was just right. The openings had to line up AND she had to feel ready.


This is my framework for healing.


When we finally chisel down the true essence of what’s causing our pain AND we feel ready to shift it, we are in alignment. We can get off the revolving door of suffering and step onto the next level. The level of our transformation.


If any of this resonates with you, see if you can use it as a point of self inquiry. Sit in a quiet space with a pen and paper and ask, on the page:


Am I working with the root or the petals?

Is there a deeper truth about my limitations that wants to come forward?


A beautiful affirmation around this kind of work is: I am ready to know everything I’m required to know for my healing.


Somedays this is the only affirmation I use: "I’m ready, I’m ready, I’m ready". Life responds by showing me what I need to see/know. Our willingness is met with our teachings.


Till next time, beauties : )


Rooting for you always! Mary


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